"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I know that one day this all will be just a memory, I will be living in comfort of wound free life. Just like I am living the comfort of no longer living with eating disorder. I have recovered from that beast, I can totally say this one is also possible to fight off. We all deserve the peace. Seek help. Do your homework. Cover those mirrors, do your journaling, work on acceptance, invite in the imperfect life, keep going. And never stop trying. This is diagnosis that is not for life. We did not pick it for ourselves, but we can pick a life free of it.
After I've discovered there there is a name for what I've been secretly doing for years I even opened up about it to my partner and friends and family...my dermatillomania got worse but I didn't feel as "bad" for it because I was like yeah, this is illness I can't really do much about it. I tried different approach. Not that I'm completely free of it yet, but for the first time I really see it differently. what helped was reading a book on a different subject but I thought I'd share it with you. Brain over binge - helped a lot so there you go. because here and there I still act on my impulses- but now I know that I am not actually ill- my brain is okay, I "just have to stop it" as many where telling me before and I started "No, you don't get it, it's actually an illness called dermatillomania and I can't just stop it and bla bla"....well, maybe I could have saved myself a lot of distress and permanent scars. Don't get me wrong- the urges are still there- and that thing I did not choose- I've always been trying to do everything perfect look perfect and so on... I even drew a picture today of my boyfriend because I had an hour fight with myself because I wanted to squeeze his "imperfections."
My lovely boyfriend has been with me on my journey for over a year. I am very dedicated to recovering from this. I often hear him saying "but whyyyyyy, It's so stupid. Is this how you want to spend your time?! You would be so beautiful if you would just stop thus bullshit behaviour"...like all those sentences from my mind got arms and legs and mouth to speak. He is really fed up, he often says I am beautiful to him but he is too tired from all the talks. I know. I am tired. So many little victories and so many failures. Over and over again. It affects my work tremendously, my relationship could potentially end just because it is so exhausting and there I am, scarred and in pain.
I've put on makeup, which I am so bloody thankful for, I found compassion and love for me and hands down I am keen on fighting until I will find peace. over and over.
On a side note- I do believe I have diagnosis of anxiety and depression for life. I work on it. I do meditate. I do take my pills (which helped me with my very lowest lows and my "anxious core tremble" tremendously)
but I believe those have been the true starters of both my eating disorder diagnosis and dermatillomania
both deeply rooted in feelings of uncertainty and "hiding from them/relieving them" with behaviour patterns that do more harm than good after all.
I've read the book (that I mentioned to you in my first message)- Brain over binge- I read that before gifting it to my mother that couldn't wrap her head around my past eating disorder. It helped me see that this disorder has something very common with dermatillomania and that is: It may have started because I believed that it will help my skin, but then it turned into habitual behaviour by which it is classified as illness. if there is not a behaviour- there is no illness. And since I do not do any eating disordered "habits" I am finding myself no longer being a sufferer of one. One day my relapses with skin picking will be so spread out that they will not be occurring at all and I will no longer have to deal with skin picking, painful sores and spending hours covering the damage.
I am proud of who I am despite having this my current struggle. But keeping in mind that people have much worse struggle than this. In a way, we are blessed to be struggling "just with this horrible thing we do to ourselves" and not something that we do not have control over. This is literally in our hands and there is a way out. In the meantime- sending all the love to everyone in the boat.
Last two things I want to share- my beloved way of getting my makeup off when my skin is at it's worse: those miracle microfiber makeup removing halos/pads/gloves/towels- you'll put them under just warm water, close your eyes and remove everything super gently, slowly, no product. no exfoliating agents, no makeup wipes- way better for your face and environment. I bought mine at a drugstore for 3,50€. It creates a barrier between my fingers and my face as well.
The second thing is video on how to stop skin picking. I've seen it maybe 1,5 years ago and I decided to try recovery. Not there yet, but many times I've heard kackies voice saying "you CAN actually stop...and it is better to have picked those two spots and not 18" ....or thousand. You know.
So...big thank you from Europe for bringing us all together."
-@andrea.jarosova, Andrea, Slovakia