shareyourstory : shareyourstory : Picking Me Foundation NFP

"Having to constantly inform people that I am not, in fact, a meth addict."-@v_raine

"The people close to me know how uncomfortable I am in front of a camera, mainly because of my skin, but I have taken this opportunity to fully step out of my comfort zone. For 6+ years I have suffered from an OCD that has controlled my life more than I like to admit. I have lived in shame and denial trying to hide the thing I hate most about myself, my skin. It's not easy to accept that I have a mental disorder, but I’ve realized that I need to fully embrace every part of me, even the parts I don’t like. I no longer want to live in fear of people staring or what they might think or say.
Because of this disorder I have become so introverted. Choosing not to go out, not because I’d rather lay in bed and watch movies (which is partly true), but because I feel ugly and I can’t wear normal spaghetti strap dresses like other women. Having to find something that’s cute but covers the scars and scabs on my shoulders, chest, and arms. Feeling stupid because my outfit isn’t weather appropriate because I’m hiding under clothes. Worrying about people saying “girl aren’t you hot” or “why don’t you take that off” are the encounters I avoid. When people ask about my skin I lie and say it’s a condition, as if it were something I was born with and couldn’t control, because the truth that I do it to myself is too embarrassing and shameful, because I hate myself for it.
Scared they won’t understand what an OCD is.
Scared of the judgments and stigmas that might come with the truth.
But it’s ok to be scared, be scared and do it anyway! 'These scars?
They are my torment and my peace.
They are the stories of my life.' - yarrow

I don’t wear tank tops, tube tops, or camisoles. I don’t go swimming; the courage to step out in a bathing suit is like climbing a mountain. I don’t do any activities that would require me to show more skin than I’m comfortable with. I almost didn’t go on my first spring break because of my skin.
Summers are the worst for me. For years I have convinced myself that I don’t like summer because of the heat, when the truth is I can’t hide my skin like I can in the winter. I don’t buy a lot of summer clothes because most I’m not brave enough to wear. I tailor my shopping, fun, and entire life around hiding my skin. These are the thoughts and decisions I have lived with. Its exhausting and debilitating.
Anxiety, stress, and boredom are my main triggers. I have picked for hours at a time, leaving behind bloody wounds. The scars and scabs have even interfered with me getting jobs. I’ve tried so many different solutions, including silly putty, stress balls, wearing gloves, cutting my fingernails etc. I pick holes in my skin that risk infection. Bleeding is a norm. It doesn’t even hurt anymore. The pain is actually soothing. It’s a compulsive addiction, a coping mechanism. It's an addiction I can never escape from. A change of environment like rehab can help drug addicts and alcoholics, but for me, the culprit is my own hands. Always there, always tempting me.The anger I feel after causes me to do it more. It’s an endless cycle. When I relapse I stay in bed all day, sad and feeling hideous. I dream of being a normal woman, wearing, buying, and doing whatever I want and having clear skin.
These are the ugliest parts of my disorder.
This is my truth 'We are so much more than our scars'

Excoriation disorder, Dermatillomania, Skin Picking, whatever you want to call it, I want to raise awareness about it. I am confident apart for my skin and the disorder, but now it’s time I be confident with it. Because there is nothing worse than hating the skin you're in. I can’t just love parts of me. I can’t expect anyone to love and accept all of me when I can’t love and accept all of myself. So now I’m on a mission. To share my story and not live in fear. To wear whatever I want and be ok with anyone asking questions. To not lie and hide my truth. To leave shame in the past. I will live with this for the rest of my life, but that’s ok with me now. I will love me anyway.

~So here is my testimony to you...~
You only get one life, so live it freely.
Free from fear
Free from shame
Free from self-doubt
Free from insecurities
The path to self love is not a gradual, increasing straight line, but a bumpy one with many hills and valleys.
Whatever you are going through, don’t run from it. Embrace it. Don’t let it control you. Take back your power.
Be unapologetic and tell your truth, because you have nothing to lose and literally everything to gain!
If you want change you have to be willing to be uncomfortable.
You are strong , you are capable, and most importantly you are worthy of happiness.
I hope that sharing my story inspires people to practice transparency and to fully commit to loving yourself.
'She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings' -atticus" -Taya, @_killakent

"I am soooo grateful to have found your site! I have been a picker since pre-teen days. It was and is so controlling my life.. It determines whether I even venture out the day after the event. Now its becoming constant. Thank you for your site, I have never told anyone about my compulsive picking and I'm sure people think I'm on drugs, I'm not and I'm so ashamed, because its something in me that's messed up. Thank you."-Cameron, 56, New Orleans

"It took two major deaths in my life to bring my ugly habit to light. As summer came around, my family would gasp and ask “What happened to your legs?!” And I didn’t really even know what to say. All I knew is after a stressful day at work, I’d find myself sitting on the shower floor with tweezers in my hand digging at any imperfections in my legs. After I saw the shocked response of my family, I only wore pants. Even in 90 degree weather. I was afraid to go swimming for fear of what people would say about my legs. It completely took over my life. After letting my therapist know, I am stating the healing process. I started to search Instagram for pictures about dermatillomania and finally saw legs like mine. I saw women in shorts with those little purple spots I had grown so used to. I hope someone can see my legs and feel the same way. You are not alone. Your legs don’t define you." -Anonymous

"M e n t a l h e a l t h a w a r e n e s s : I never post pictures of my face on instagram and there are a few reasons why. The main one is because Dermatillomania has affected me in a way that has left me pretty unsure with how I feel about my appearance. Mostly all that i have is self criticism. For years I have chosen to forego sharing pictures of happy moments because of my skin. I actually think people are straight up lying to my face if they compliment it. And I honestly can’t remember a time when I wasn’t constantly biting my nails or picking ruthlessly at my skin. I sometimes sit on the bathroom counter until 2am, scraping into every pore until they bleed. I have scratched away at every bump and imperfection on my arms and legs. I fall asleep with ice packs on my face so that I wake up with less swelling. I’ve missed meetups with friends, fun parties and even stayed home from classes in college. I honestly would have gotten looks for the redness and welts and scabs I developed. The strange thing is that just by looking at me now, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell. My skin looks fine at the moment, thanks to a period of healing and dealing with the things that give me the urge to pick. But that is always subject to change. You would also think that picking at your skin would be something easy to control...but for me it isn’t. I have dealt with Dermatillomania since i was very young and I am not sure if i’ll ever be able to shake it. Maybe i will finally gain the confidence to speak to a professional about it. Right now, the only things that have helped me improve are the support from kevin and my family as well as /r/ compulsiveskinpicking on reddit. I honestly thought I was a weirdo my entire life until I read other stories on online forums and blogs. my main point here is that without sharing my experience and looking for a little help and support, things would have stayed the same. Please never think that everyone has it together 100%. We all struggle with things silently. Social media is especially toxic with all of its filters and carefully curated posts. Since it is mental health awareness month, I just wanted to share a little bit of my own struggle. No matter what you are going through, you aren’t alone. Do not be afraid to speak up. It is okay to struggle as long as you know that there are options and resources to help you find ways to feel better. As for me, I am going to try my best to take care of my face and I will no longer be afraid of posting pictures. I love myself too much for that."-Breanna Little @breedesu

"I want to be real with y’all for a second and kinda open up about something that has been an insecurity for me. Clearly I’m human and capable of flaws.. I have acne scars all over. I mostly wear makeup and cover my back and chest. I’ve learned how to present myself while still being concealed. Having anxiety and self-image issues almost all my life have manifested itself into Dermatillomania, also known as Excoriation Disorder. Long story short I pick at my skin. It’s a form of ocd, better known as body focused repetitive behavior BFRB. Im healing now and I’m not picking as much. Being open about my secret in a way is also healing me. I want to be able to use my own experiences to help others like me who struggle with anxiety, depression or any other type of mental health issues. In reverence of mental health awareness month , I want to offer myself as a testimony and I want to help start the uncomfortable conversations needed in our communities. The only way we can better our neighborhoods is by starting with ourselves. The Bronx needs more safe spaces to talk about mental health and ways we can come together to help others #fightthestigma."-@thebronxcurl

"Vulnerable moment: I have Dermatillomania, a condition that many don't know about. I've ran across several medical professionals that had no idea what it was. Also known as Excoriation or Skin Picking Disorder, is the physical manifestation of a mental disorder. Often times, picking of any kind is a manifestation of an Obssessive Disorder, be it OCD, OCPD, BPD or any other of the many on the list. Most people know about Trichotillomania because it's something that has been talked about in movies, books, on tv, etc. It wasn't until I was 23 that I found out that I wasn't alone in my struggle. There was a name for it. After that, I did lots of research about the disorder, possible causes, treatments and all that jazz. Unfortunately, there really is no "treatment" for Dermatillomania, only mild therapies to help work on whatever obsessive disorder is driving the action. CBT, DBT, even behavioral modification are regularly tried, but show little success.

Everyone suffering from this suffers differently. For me, you can tell when I'm struggling with my OCD because my face gets really bad. In turn, my OCD generally acts up when things in my life feel out of my control. I've been struggling with that a lot lately, and as a result, lately my face has been worse than it's been in a long time. I wish I could explain to you what happens with skin picking for me. It's not a good feeling, it's not a relief, it's simply a expression of my obsessive thought patterns. Sometimes I'm fully aware of what I'm doing but justify it with "oh I'm just going to pop this one pimple..." and it gets out of control. Other times, I don't even realize what I'm doing until I'm bleeding. Either way, it feels like I can't stop myself it sure doesn't make anything better, but God damn if I can stop myself. I'm telling you all this because after years and years of being ashamed, I'm done. Honestly, I've been done with it for awhile now but this is the first time I've really had a chance to show you all the true destruction I cause sometimes. I have way too much that I beat myself up about to let this be one of those things. #PickingMe

I want beautiful skin. I want to not pick. I want to be able to look at myself and feel beautiful, but I can't right now. I hope this resonates with at least one person out there. I hope I can make just one other person know that they aren't alone. You aren't alone."-Darling Mia Mayhem, NY, @siriuslestrange_stomach

"When I was in my preteen phase I started to develop normal, small, amounts of acne. Really just a few whiteheads or blackheads, and my older sister loved to pop them. Eventually I would pop them myself. A lot of times tho, I would just create big ugly scabs. Later I ran out of flaws to pick on my face so I started scanning my back and shoulder area to pick more. People used to confront me and ask if I was okay psychologically, or if I was purposely trying to harm myself. I eventually got better at hiding it. I would still pick a lot, and enough to sometimes create scabs but I would stop before it got really bad. Then in the morning I’d cover it all up with makeup. Now today, there isn’t a place on my body that I haven’t picked. I. Pick. Everywhere. Right now there is a quarter sized infected scab/ wound on my leg. And scabs on my knees and elbows and even my groin area. I struggle to sleep through the night so now when I wake up around 2am I pick for at least an hour... and over and over in my head I tell myself “okay just this last one, and you’re done. Don’t look for anymore to pick, you’ll make it worse. So stop.” But I don’t listen to my own healthy thoughts anymore. I feel like a weirdo. A crazy person. People think that I’m on drugs. Everything is a trigger. If I get into an argument with mom and I’m lectured about whatever, in my head it translates to- “I’m a useless stupid person and I need to just pick at all my flaws and I’ll feel better.” Going into the bathroom at home with the light on is a trigger. Not wearing makeup is a trigger. Being nervous about seeing someone in person is a trigger. I’m so insecure about my skin. I wish I could trade with someone else in hope that if my skin was 100% perfect that I wouldn’t pick anymore.
I’m in therapy right now. Taking antidepressants as well, which is supposed to help the urge/ craving to pick. I relate so much to everyone’s story that I read and it feels so good to finally be understood. I always think- know one understands what it’s like. I want to run away from myself or be placed in a straitjacket so I can’t cause harm to myself. I’m hoping that one day I will really stop. And never again pick.
Until then, I’m trying to stay positive (it doesn’t always work) but, I’m so grateful that by doing research about this addictive habit, I’ve found resources of support. Just like an alcoholic needs AA meetings, being around people who understand the struggle is comforting. I hope everyone who reads this finds something beautiful about themselves today, and I’ll try to do the same." -Miriah, 20, LA

"I have been a skin picker since I was a little girl. From places on my face, arms, and legs nothing has helped. When I go to dermatologists they just say "you need to quit picking!" Well that does no good when I need help to stop picking. I think a lot of people don't understand how much this disorder can effect your life. I have low self- esteem, always worry if people notice my spots, to it even effecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I am so happy that there is Picking Me to help people like me and bring awareness to the disorder. I can't wait to get involved and get help from people dealing with the same thing."-Halie, 26, OK

"Somedays when I pick at my skin I still feel beautiful and worthy red marks and all, other days not so much. On those better days though I like to take a selfie like this one which was right after a picking episode. I still have imperfections on my skin but there's other things about myself in the photo that I enjoy. Such as my ability to still be smiling at myself regardless, to enjoy my eyes in the natural lighting and my ever messy hair. It reminds me that there's more to me and more to be grateful for than just my skin on days like today when I feel like I can't see them because my skin is blinding me. I don't know if this could help anyone else but having the photos has helped me to feel more comfortable with my skin, it's imperfections and with looking past them" -Courtney B, 20, CO @courtsnewgroove