"I am in need of a plastic surgeon in New England from skin picking. Some doctors refuse to treat me because they think I will pick at the stitches. I was picking cystic acne, which thankfully I no longer have due to accutane. However it took me 1.5 years to find a derm that would prescribe accutane and another 1.5 years to finish accutane. In the meantime I picked at my chin so deeply it caused tunnels all the way down to the bone. Sadly my chin is deformed and will not improve without surgery. I wish it was easier to find treatment for this disorder."-Anonymous

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I am more than my scabs!! For years I was told that my skin picking was no big deal, or that I should just stop doing it until one day my doctor finally acknowledged that it is an actual issue that I cannot control and also gives me horrible self esteem issues. I will pick at my cuticles until they bleed and scab and are painful. Whenever I go anywhere i find myself folding my hands over each other to hide my wounds."-Anonymous

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I want to love my skin again and get over a behavior that feels deeply embedded in my prior addiction. I have had ocd, anxiety, and depression since I was a little girl, about 5 or 6. I didn’t actually start picking at my skin until I developed a substance use disorder at the age of 19. I am now over three years sober, but my skin-picking is worse than ever before honestly. Especially with covid, and me working from home alone now, the opportunities and compulsion to pick have gotten out of control. At this point, I am getting up from other activities (like work) to go pick multiple times a day. Then at night I’m picking for at least an hour when I try to get ready for bed. I’ve tried incentivizing myself with gifts or experiences if I can go even just one day without doing it. I CAN’T. My chest and face are destroyed and I’m honestly glad we wear masks everywhere still, just to hide my ugly ugly face. I’m so ashamed and feel so helpless and don’t know what to do."-Anonymous

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I need to live! I started in 2014 It’s been a journey ever since. Navigating through which events I can wear long sleeves and pants to cover my shame.
Not sure how or exactly why but I haven’t been able to stop. Obvious to the pain digging deeper not worried about showering tomorrow and not being able to touch my skin cause of the pain I’ve caused myself. Crying out in the shower. Jane Jane Jane why are you doing this to yourself promising to not do it anymore. Than do it all over again."-@justjane, Jane, 56, North Carolina

"As far as I can remember I think it all started about 18 years ago when my only sister who was 34 at the time contracted breast cancer and subsequently died two years later. I am the self-appointed matriarch of the family so I took over control of her care and decision-making despite the fact that she was married to an idiot.

I had really bad cystic acne; basically boils that were deep in my skin despite my skin care regimen. If they didn't come to a head on my own I would try to force them to come to a head and that's where it all started with me picking at my face.

And now 61 years old no longer have cystic acne on this way but I have had an area on my face that I had to have some plastic surgery on and have subsequently opened that area of about five times and right now I have a hole in my face that goes up my pink and I'm going to have to have plastic surgery again. Time to stop this behavior. As of right now I don't go out much, I don't go out and see people and thank God for covid-19 masks.
I went back to one of the wound care centers that I had been to previously and they knew about my psychological condition but when I went back to see them I couldn't believe how they treated me when I left there I was crying hysterically humiliated and embarrassed. I vowed that I would die before I would ever set foot in their office again.

I'm in counseling now with someone that is trained and helping me stop this Behavior but I admit that I haven't been as dedicated as I need to be.

The depression is really really bad and I admit to some suicidal ideation I let my husband and my psychiatrist know about this so don't be afraid for me I am being watched over. I have had a bandage on my left cheek for going on 2 years. I need you guys to help me what I would like to find is someone like they do in AA that is my picking Buddy I don't know if you have that in this group but it's just a thought.

Only a very select few of my friends know about my disorder and I plan to keep it that way people are too judgmental.

I seem to remember my mother's mother having the same disorder she always had unsightly wounds that she would pick out on her arms and legs and here I am doing the same thing only the worst possible place on my body my face.

I hope to see you tonight on the online call."-Anonymous

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I want to heal my skin & have a healthy scalp and hair. I'm Lex i'm 24 years old i've been dealing with this since I was 11 It started when I felt something in my hair and pulled a mini spider out of my hair & ever since that day my mind plays tricks that there is something in my hair & it has gotten worse as i've gotten older & it gets to the point now where I bleed & I pull out multiple strains of hair sometimes my hair brush has clumps of hair I want to get rid of this habit for good"-Lex, 24, NH

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I want to feel confident in my own skin. I’m 13 and I felt alone. I’ve been picking my skin. I always ran out of band aids and felt ashamed when ever i picked. I’ve been called names and questions like “what’s wrong with your skin” you comments like “we what’s all over your legs” and “why are you bleeding”. Even my doctor doesn’t know what i have. I felt alone and insecure, in till i was sitting in my bathroom picking so much that i was gushing out blood so i licked it. It made my stomach hurt and i throw up a couple times. i was looking online and came across this website. some of the scabs in the photo are new and old, some i’ve had for years."-Anonymous

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I wanna go to the beach, wear my beautiful dresses, and have my confidence back.I’m Negar, and 26. I’ve been struggling with this situation since I was 14, I don’t know the root of it but definitely know that it is amplified by stress and depression.
Last winter I immigrated to Italy to continue my studying abroad. So this was just a beginning of a critical period for me. I had recovered from my wounds after all these years by micro needle and was confident about wearing everything; however, all of these efforts turned to a disaster on my body. I wanted to comeback home and let go of everything to have my shiny skin back. The psychiatrist told me that you’re suffering from anxiety and depression and need to take pills.
I accidentally found your page when I was down and hopeless about my skin picking disorder, but when I realized that many people are struggling like me, I became able to stand up again and came out of my comfort zone. Here is the latest picture of me, I’m less ashamed to show my body, though I never still wear shorts and dresses because of my legs, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing stories of lives and telling us that we’re not alone in this journey:)"-@negar_pourmani, Negar, 26

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I have daughters who need to see me cope with mental illness without giving up. I will not let this prevent me from giving them what they need. I've picked my skin for 17 years now. It stopped for a while after I graduated college, but it came back in full force after weaning my first daughter from breastfeeding. I actually thought it had gone away completely while I was nursing her, but I didn't realize that my OCD simply switched from body focused to intrusive thoughts and anxiety. I was celebrating watching my scars heal, but the wounds on my mind then had no outlet. I never made a conscious choice to go back to picking, but once I did I felt relief from my anxious brain. And this time, I actually had a focus area on my skin: my breasts. My husband stopped touching them for a while because they were so scabby and oozy. I made a choice last month to stop picking them because I'm pregnant again and I refuse to feed my second child and risk getting blood on her face because of an open wound. My anxious thoughts are back now, and sometimes they're pure nightmares, but I'm learning not to judge myself for having them and I'm forgiving myself for any skin picking relapse I may have in the future. And right now I have no open wounds for the first time in years and it feels good."-Anonymous

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I am proud, strong and resilient. Myself and everyone deserves to live a life pain free, liberated, in joy. Struggles can coexist but even after a picking attack, I choose myself. I take care and do the things I love. That is how I live in the face of struggle and it makes me strong and beautiful <3 CW/TW: mental health struggles i.e. anxiety, depression, self harm, explicit language

Hi there, this a poem I wrote over the past year that reminds me of the hardest parts of dermatillomania that make me strong as I overcome every day. *I am connected with mental health and health services and am grateful for this :)*

~

Sometimes,
I think I want it all to stop.
And I get why that’s scary but it’s not like I want to die
That’s too scary
I just need it to stop
Pause PLEASE fucking god

I threw my phone into the floor and it stopped for a second but then I was ashamed and someone saw and then my body was just rolling shake and I’m nauseous and I’m clenching my torso and I wish I could just throw it all up but no I am stuck in this fucking rigid painful unemotional body that no one gives a fuck about.

No one cares about me. I thought someone did but they only care about themselves and I wish I cared about myself but I have been trained not to

Trained to give and give and neglect and neglect and when the giving doesn’t work neglect some more.

Now I pick my body until it bleeds every day and that is my religion, ripping skin is my religion. I hate until I do not feel and then I’m ashamed and wake up in pain and try it all again the next day.

Sometimes I wake up refreshed, sometimes I wake up sore and used and abused by myself.

There is a rare loneliness to waking up in a pain you’ve inflicted."-Anonymous

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I will not let this define who I am. I started picking my senior year of highschool. Highschool was a really hard time for me I struggled making friends and I felt so alone. I don’t really remember how it started. I did it during one of my classes. Eventually one of my classmates noticed a scab on my ear getting worse each time and expressed their concern. I brushed it off assuring them I was okay and it was nothing. It has gotten worse ever since. It went from one ear to the other and one spot to another. I remember laying in the dark watching tv before bed and panicking because there was so much blood and it seemed like it was never going to stop. My entire pillow case is covered in blood. I turn my pillow to the side not covered in blood every morning so my college roommate wouldn’t notice, it’s so embarrassing. I hate wearing my hair up. I would wear it down most of the time but for work I have to wear it up and I feel extremely vulnerable and embarrassed. Every time I finally pick that scab I’m flooded with relief and dread. And I’m left with the pain as I lay their regretting what I have done and feeling so alone. My parents tell me to stop, I know they want to help and want what’s best for me but it irritates me and makes me want to pick more. I want to stop but most times it seems easier to just give in."-Anonymous

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I want to confident in my own skin and not embarrassed by my marks. I stated picking my skin as long as I can remember. I watched my mother do it to her hands and around her finger nails when I was a little girl when we watched movies together. She seemed at ease afterwards and would tell me it’s how she relieves stress. I started picking my hands first. When I got acne as a teen anywhere I has acne I would pick. Now as an adult it’s Mainly my arms, legs, feet, and hands. I do it when I am bored, when I am watching tv, when I am trying to fall asleep, when I am at work and sometimes I do it without even thinking. I never thought it was an issue until people asked about it. Asked if they were bug bites or how I got injured. Most of the marks I have are from me scratching at my skin until in bleeds. Some originally were injuries or blisters. Most are from compulsively scratching and picking and peeling scabs. I know I need help and I am glad I am not alone."-Hilary, 33, Washington, D.C.

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I’M EXHAUSTED of losing the time of my life picking at my skin and also I really want to feel pretty. I think maybe when I was a teenager but it’s already so many years that it’s so hard for me to remember exactly when it started ... Dermatillomania is curiously the only thing organized and constant in my life, suffering from chronic depression and anxiety it really costs me a lot to follow schedules but for this? For this I’m never late: first thing I do when I get up: skin picking
Every time I need to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth / pee / wash my hands: skin picking
Before bed: skin picking

This is how minutes and sometimes hours go by in front of the mirror, my legs cramp from standing for so long in unimaginable positions to reach pimples on my back, behind my neck or ears and I can get to hurt myself so badly that tears of pain come out but I don't feel them, I only realize it because I see my reflection.

Inside of me there’s is a voice that tells me "enough, please don't hurt yourself" and other times it yells at me: “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS", "YOU ARE CRAZY!" But I just can't stop

Although it is always the same scene: a mirror, my hands and me. Dermatillomania has come to take over my life outside of my bathroom too; Have you seen supermarkets with mirrors? Yep! That's where I stand. Store’s mirrors, in the fitting rooms, (those are the favorites of my disorder) In friends' houses, in rear-view mirrors of cars parked on the street? yep, there too.

And you know? Starting is simple, it’s almost like it calls me, but stopping and getting out again with a swollen red face and sometimes bleeding, asking yourself how come you went that far AGAIN, how you have gotten to that point, people staring at you and asking “what happened to your face”; then look for a thousand excuses such as “I’m having an allergic reaction” or “I suffer from acne” and knowing that the next time you go out will have to be under 5 kilos of makeup, maybe a cap and EVERYTHING necessary to cover what you did. Btw I never thought that I would be happy to wear a mask but yes, it’s my perfect partner in crime.

In my opinion, the worst thing about this disease is not only the places it occupies but the moments it has stolen from me, for example: Being about to go to my dance classes, making my ballet bun, leaving my face uncovered and beautiful and in the blink of an eye I'm already there again, result? There is no dance class today. So I have canceled plans of all kinds: go to work, go shopping, go out with my boo. And BOO? That’s is another story ...

Hiding it at first can be easy until the typical "I need to pee" in the middle of sex COME you spend hours in the bathroom while she / he thinks you have gone to the pot. Then when you FINALLY manage to get out (if you do) you feel so horrible to be able to be sexually desired again by someone; that's why Speedy Gonzales's technique: turn off the lights when entering the room as quickly as possible before he/she even turns the head, and if they asks? is that sex without lights is more "romantic".

But all that only works at the beginning, anyone close to you can realize that something is wrong and they might also be in pain. My family, for example, removed the light bulbs from the bathroom when I was a teenager, years later my girlfriend does the same today.

Sometimes she likes to call herself Jesus Christ because she saves me when I say "the magic word of rescue" lol and she runs to the bathroom to carry me and get me out of there and we both laugh but it is not always so cute. I have had discussions because I have tried to do the same in theirs skins, some of them left me and if not, I did it when they were asleep FUCK IT! , nothing matters more than HIM! It’s as if my disorder were a toxic husband and my partners only lovers: there is nothing more important than HIM, no matter how much he hurts me, even if I wants to, I can’t leave him and when he arrives all my time and body belong to HIM, the rest it can wait.

Well, this is my story, something like that is living with this disorder but a little worse."-@ori_leon, Oriana Carolina Leon Cedeño, 25, Barcelona

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I am the only person who will truly never leave my side, no matter what. Being an introvert I have always felt like I was being compared to my outgoing sisters. I mostly kept my feelings to myself and shut my mouth because I didn't want people to my thoughts. My dermatillomania started at 17. Graduating high school I felt like people were trying to push me into a certain direction. I was always scared of making the wrong choices. I couldn't hear my inner voice and didn't know what to do. It felt like everyone was moving forward in life and I was just stuck. I was overthinking a lot, about others, about life, about the way people saw me. When I was insecure I found myself in front of a mirror, picking my skin for hours and then feeling hopeless. The past year was rough. I have been doing online college, didn't really meet people, I was stuck in a small town. One day I came to the point where I had enough. So I grabbed my diary and let out all of my emotions.7 pages. 4 hours, but it was worth my time. I realized that there is nothing to overthink about. I just need the courage to listen to what my heart truly wants and then just do it. Not overthinking every decision, but to just take a risk or if I don't, lose the chance."-Anonymous, Germany