shareyourstory : shareyourstory : Picking Me Foundation NFP

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I will not let this define who I am. I started picking my senior year of highschool. Highschool was a really hard time for me I struggled making friends and I felt so alone. I don’t really remember how it started. I did it during one of my classes. Eventually one of my classmates noticed a scab on my ear getting worse each time and expressed their concern. I brushed it off assuring them I was okay and it was nothing. It has gotten worse ever since. It went from one ear to the other and one spot to another. I remember laying in the dark watching tv before bed and panicking because there was so much blood and it seemed like it was never going to stop. My entire pillow case is covered in blood. I turn my pillow to the side not covered in blood every morning so my college roommate wouldn’t notice, it’s so embarrassing. I hate wearing my hair up. I would wear it down most of the time but for work I have to wear it up and I feel extremely vulnerable and embarrassed. Every time I finally pick that scab I’m flooded with relief and dread. And I’m left with the pain as I lay their regretting what I have done and feeling so alone. My parents tell me to stop, I know they want to help and want what’s best for me but it irritates me and makes me want to pick more. I want to stop but most times it seems easier to just give in."-Anonymous

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I want to confident in my own skin and not embarrassed by my marks. I stated picking my skin as long as I can remember. I watched my mother do it to her hands and around her finger nails when I was a little girl when we watched movies together. She seemed at ease afterwards and would tell me it’s how she relieves stress. I started picking my hands first. When I got acne as a teen anywhere I has acne I would pick. Now as an adult it’s Mainly my arms, legs, feet, and hands. I do it when I am bored, when I am watching tv, when I am trying to fall asleep, when I am at work and sometimes I do it without even thinking. I never thought it was an issue until people asked about it. Asked if they were bug bites or how I got injured. Most of the marks I have are from me scratching at my skin until in bleeds. Some originally were injuries or blisters. Most are from compulsively scratching and picking and peeling scabs. I know I need help and I am glad I am not alone."-Hilary, 33, Washington, D.C.

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I’M EXHAUSTED of losing the time of my life picking at my skin and also I really want to feel pretty. I think maybe when I was a teenager but it’s already so many years that it’s so hard for me to remember exactly when it started ... Dermatillomania is curiously the only thing organized and constant in my life, suffering from chronic depression and anxiety it really costs me a lot to follow schedules but for this? For this I’m never late: first thing I do when I get up: skin picking
Every time I need to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth / pee / wash my hands: skin picking
Before bed: skin picking

This is how minutes and sometimes hours go by in front of the mirror, my legs cramp from standing for so long in unimaginable positions to reach pimples on my back, behind my neck or ears and I can get to hurt myself so badly that tears of pain come out but I don't feel them, I only realize it because I see my reflection.

Inside of me there’s is a voice that tells me "enough, please don't hurt yourself" and other times it yells at me: “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS", "YOU ARE CRAZY!" But I just can't stop

Although it is always the same scene: a mirror, my hands and me. Dermatillomania has come to take over my life outside of my bathroom too; Have you seen supermarkets with mirrors? Yep! That's where I stand. Store’s mirrors, in the fitting rooms, (those are the favorites of my disorder) In friends' houses, in rear-view mirrors of cars parked on the street? yep, there too.

And you know? Starting is simple, it’s almost like it calls me, but stopping and getting out again with a swollen red face and sometimes bleeding, asking yourself how come you went that far AGAIN, how you have gotten to that point, people staring at you and asking “what happened to your face”; then look for a thousand excuses such as “I’m having an allergic reaction” or “I suffer from acne” and knowing that the next time you go out will have to be under 5 kilos of makeup, maybe a cap and EVERYTHING necessary to cover what you did. Btw I never thought that I would be happy to wear a mask but yes, it’s my perfect partner in crime.

In my opinion, the worst thing about this disease is not only the places it occupies but the moments it has stolen from me, for example: Being about to go to my dance classes, making my ballet bun, leaving my face uncovered and beautiful and in the blink of an eye I'm already there again, result? There is no dance class today. So I have canceled plans of all kinds: go to work, go shopping, go out with my boo. And BOO? That’s is another story ...

Hiding it at first can be easy until the typical "I need to pee" in the middle of sex COME you spend hours in the bathroom while she / he thinks you have gone to the pot. Then when you FINALLY manage to get out (if you do) you feel so horrible to be able to be sexually desired again by someone; that's why Speedy Gonzales's technique: turn off the lights when entering the room as quickly as possible before he/she even turns the head, and if they asks? is that sex without lights is more "romantic".

But all that only works at the beginning, anyone close to you can realize that something is wrong and they might also be in pain. My family, for example, removed the light bulbs from the bathroom when I was a teenager, years later my girlfriend does the same today.

Sometimes she likes to call herself Jesus Christ because she saves me when I say "the magic word of rescue" lol and she runs to the bathroom to carry me and get me out of there and we both laugh but it is not always so cute. I have had discussions because I have tried to do the same in theirs skins, some of them left me and if not, I did it when they were asleep FUCK IT! , nothing matters more than HIM! It’s as if my disorder were a toxic husband and my partners only lovers: there is nothing more important than HIM, no matter how much he hurts me, even if I wants to, I can’t leave him and when he arrives all my time and body belong to HIM, the rest it can wait.

Well, this is my story, something like that is living with this disorder but a little worse."-@ori_leon, Oriana Carolina Leon Cedeño, 25, Barcelona

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I am the only person who will truly never leave my side, no matter what. Being an introvert I have always felt like I was being compared to my outgoing sisters. I mostly kept my feelings to myself and shut my mouth because I didn't want people to my thoughts. My dermatillomania started at 17. Graduating high school I felt like people were trying to push me into a certain direction. I was always scared of making the wrong choices. I couldn't hear my inner voice and didn't know what to do. It felt like everyone was moving forward in life and I was just stuck. I was overthinking a lot, about others, about life, about the way people saw me. When I was insecure I found myself in front of a mirror, picking my skin for hours and then feeling hopeless. The past year was rough. I have been doing online college, didn't really meet people, I was stuck in a small town. One day I came to the point where I had enough. So I grabbed my diary and let out all of my emotions.7 pages. 4 hours, but it was worth my time. I realized that there is nothing to overthink about. I just need the courage to listen to what my heart truly wants and then just do it. Not overthinking every decision, but to just take a risk or if I don't, lose the chance."-Anonymous, Germany

A gentle reminder- your skin will heal.
Posting these pictures took a lot of courage, please be kind.

This is a picture of me exactly one year ago from today. I've always been insecure about my skin and its texture. There were times when I did not take pictures without filters and makeup. I was never proud of my acne. This one time, my sister asked me to take a selfie and I cut out my forehead because I was embarrassed of it; I was only 17 then. I struggled to accept the fact that having acne was NORMAL and people around me didn’t make it easier either. They uttered futile advices and some even threw unwanted remarks without knowing the depth of scars it would leave me with. It made me so self conscious that I started picking my face in anxiety. (There is a scientific word for it- excoriation disorder/dermatillomania) I kept pushing through and here I am today, with friends and family who lifted me up and told me it was okay to have acne. I learnt to embrace them and love myself, just the way I am. I hope that you surround yourself with enough compassion when you don't feel like your best self. Healing takes a lot of time and progress isn’t linear but I promise that you will get there.
Afterall, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Embrace the texture! We are more than our skin."-@ashermanasvi, Manasvi Asher, Bombay

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I can't do this anymore. So... I had improved, I really had. I would get some cysts here and there and wouldn't dare to pick at them. But yesterday, I feel like I destroyed what I was fighting for the last three months. I've been dealing with dermatillomania for over three years now. Next year I'll graduate high school and I want to be comfortable in my own skin, I don't won't to cry myself to sleep I want to be mentally and physically able to let my friends and my boyfriend see me without make-up. .I'm going on vacation 2 days from now and I really want to have a good time, but I already know that I will feel more ashamed and uncomfortable that last year. It's worth mentioning that yesterday I talked to my boyfriend about this brfb. He is compassionate and caring which gives me hope, but I I have trouble loving and accepting myself and that's just it."-Anonymous, Greece

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I’m getting married soon, and I need to stop. It’s been happening since I was 9. I don’t want to have so many scars all over. I’m Georgia - I’ve been picking my skin since I was 9 years old. It started out with my chewing the skin on my thumb until it was down to the bottom layer. Then I discovered that I have keratosis pilaris, and I can’t not squeeze my spots, they cover my arms, legs, butt and face. It causes me to get ingrown hairs all over my body and I’m constantly covered in scabs and bumps because I can’t not pick."-@georgiamereditharmstrong, Georgia A., 25, Coventry, UK

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because it is seen as such a shameful thing, but I am sure it affects so many more people than would speak openly about it. I used to pick scabs on my arms - making them in the first instance, without even realising - as far back as I can remember, at least to when I was 8. I never realised it was a 'thing'. Throughout my teenage years, other forms of self harm took over, then anorexia, and then cancer. After that, suffering from severe medical trauma, the picking and digging became severe, gouging out holes in my scalp, trying to 'remove' all the badness I felt was inside me - to the point of infection. While au-pairing the summer before uni, even the two-year-old in my care used to beg me not to pick, and I once had a stranger come up to me on a train telling me I 'needed help'. Ultimately it was the anorexia which got me hospitalised - multiple times, and ultimately on an acute psychiatric ward - but it was still my own research that discovered what dermatillomania was, although my nurse on the ward did recognise it was an ongoing form of self harm. Now, 14 years on, I'm having a bad anorexia relapse, and, as I battle to get myself through it, the dermatillomania has taken control more than ever before. I am in constant pain, have pulled out layers of hair, and have a largely raw scalp and legs (these photos are from a while back). I have bought every kind of fidget toy - especially since being further diagnosed with autism - but none of them stop me picking and repicking as soon as I've put enough tcp on to dry things out. I simply don't know what to do."-@annamcnay, Anna M., 41, Hertfordshire, England

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I'm tired of suffering in silence. Of worrying the people who loves me and not knowing how to help me at all. I’ve been picking since I was a little girl. Growing up with insecurities, no emotional support. As I’ve gotten older, it was only then I realized and made aware that my anxiety causes me to pick. There are days when it gets too bad that I couldn’t sleep with a sore head after a night of non stop picking. Sometimes I don’t realize that I'm even picking! I want to help my self and I know it would take time if not totally but at least get me through the worst parts of it. I have punished my self for feeling the way I do. Every time I pick, the only satisfaction I get is when I feel pain while I dig deeper in my skin and bleed. This way my emotional pain gets masked. I have done many things to keep my self occupied. I have done crafts and made a business out of it. It was going well until last 2020 when Covid happened and I swirled down to depression and hit rock bottom. It was a good reason for me to hide myself from the world. I neglected myself, my job, my own family, rejected all my friends. I only left the house one or two times in a month and locked my self in the room most days until now. I stare right in the mirror and couldn’t even recognize my self anymore. What pains me is when people see my face instead of asking me “are you ok?” It’s always “what happened to you? You have a lot of pimples?” It’s funny how they can’t even see the severity of it and brush it of as if it was just something normal that hormones produced on a daily basis. I don’t deserve this and neither do the ones who care and love me. I am just blessed enough to have a very loving and understanding partner who supports me and is doing the best he can to get me through this. I am trying every day. Sometimes it’s better and there are still days when it’s not. I need to face my own demons because I have punished myself for too long. It’s a problem that’s easy for people to say “stop doing that”. I wish it was that simple. I want to live life when I can confidently show my face to the rest of the world. I am trying. But will it ever stop? I had just been recently diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I am not really surprised about it. I guess I’ve always known I was. I have scars remind me every day of all the anxieties I ever had. And it’s not gonna stop soon. It might not stop at all."-@apoldapolpie, April C., 30, Philippines

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because my children deserve to put their hands on my face to express how deeply they love and admire me without being worried about hurting mommy! My name is Briana. I’m 28 years old, and a stay at home mom. I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember. Why? I’m still trying to figure that out! I can remember at a young age I absolutely loved the feeling of my mom running her hands through my hair. As a teenager, I loved it even more when she would be after me about some pimples that she felt needed popped (I didn’t mind at all, it felt great!) When I think back, throughout those teenage years, they are the times I first experienced trauma on multiple, different occasions. - Is that why the popping of pimples felt so good? - As time went on, for my whole teenage and young adult life, I did not seek out help for my mental health. I didn’t understand what I was going through because I wasn’t educated on the subject of mental health (my parents were NOT educated, either). It has, and still somewhat, is a struggle. Over the years, when I was brave, and sought out mental health professional help, I have been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I believe I have an assortment of mental illness that are still undiagnosed after developing over time, but the most painful outcome of all of this is the skin picking disorder I have been left with. Throughout my childhood/teenage years, I had a more gentle approach to “skin picking” or whatever that sensation is. As I grew into an adult and especially after beginning to have children of my own, it has become an every day struggle. I felt alone the most since 2015 when I became pregnant with my son and was struggling in my marriage. Between mental illness and hormones, I was a disaster! I’m still struggling to this day with skin picking. I believe it ties in with how we as women deal with our mental health, one example being - postpartum. If there is any way I can be a voice for someone who isn’t ‘there’ yet on their skin picking journey, I will do that for them. I’m ready to put myself out there, find some healing, and to help others who are alone and hurting like I’ve been for so long. Together, we can have our voices heard, and find a way to heal! I believe it, especially because of this wonderful foundation that has already saved me from myself SO. MUCH."-@sparkle.p0ny, Briana, 28, Palmyra, PA

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I’m tired of feeling weak. I was diagnosed with Excoriation disorder around when I was 12 due to ptsd. But I’m not sure I want to get into that. It’s just been so hard-I scalp pick and get insanely bad headaches, and toothaches for some reason? I go so deep sometimes that it I can only see red and black in my vision. Wearing my hair up is the only way to not let it show. I can’t find that motivation to stop…I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stop. I’m tired is all the games like “counting to two minutes and then picking” I just want to rip all the scabs on my scalp and my hands and my ears. I look forward to growth and healing. But I’m not sure where to start. OCD is brutal, and I’ve never fought against something this relentless. Good luck to all."-Kate, 16, Massachusetts