"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I don't deserve to suffer in silence anymore. TW: Disturbing Imagery and Sensitive Topics (blood, compulsion, skin picking)
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been picking my skin. As a little kid, I picked all my bumps and scabs. I didn’t like the feeling of them. I often had to wear band-aids on my face to keep my hands off. I’ve always been nagged about it, but nothing was ever enough to stop me. My urges to pick only grew. Now, at sixteen years old, I’m scratching my face, digging into my shoulders and back, and peeling skin off my scarred, discolored fingertips. I’ve gotten used to the way my skin looks. I’m very familiar with my hands; I examine them constantly. My inflamed fingers are normal to me, but to others, it’s unsettling. I’ve never spoken up about this. Not to a friend, parent, or therapist. I just keep it to myself and continue to pick. I want to make a change, but I’m afraid to admit to this problem. Not just because of my embarrassment, but because I’m scared of creating an ordeal that forces me to stop. I don’t know if I can. I constantly pick, scratch, and rub my fingers every day, specifically my left thumb. I do
it both consciously and unconsciously. By myself and around people. Hidden and out in the open. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I will act on my constant urges to pick. It’s like an addiction. I know I’m only hurting myself. I want to stop, but the urges are so strong that it’s become automatic and uncontrollable. It took years of obsessive picking to finally see the irreversible damage I’d done to my thumb. My entire left fingerprint is permanently callused, uneven, and discolored. I began at the
cuticle and just kept picking until eventually, the scars totally encased my thumb. The urges totally consume me. I’m trapped in a cycle of picking my skin until I have no skin left to pick. I let it heal just to destroy it again. It’s difficult for me to accept that I created these scars. I’m responsible for the permanent damage done to my fingers. My thumb will look disfigured for the rest of my life. Yet, It’s still hard to imagine quitting; I don’t know what I would do with myself. The satisfaction I feel from peeling and picking off these “imperfections” keeps me hooked. It’s as if there isn’t a big enough consequence or reward to motivate me to stop. The picking overpowers everything.
Until recently, I was oblivious to the dangers of picking. I now acknowledge that by creating these open wounds on my dirty, germ covered hands, I put myself at risk for infection. I’ve managed to avoid that for years, which makes me feel somewhat untouchable, but I’ve just been lucky. I see the potential disaster ahead of me. Because I repetitively inflict this pain on myself, I create more damage and run the great risk of getting an infection and losing my thumb, or even worse, my entire hand. I let this compulsion control me. It stops me dead in my tracks and makes me do irrational things. I’ve taken my hands off the steering wheel to pick. Instead of looking up at
beautiful scenes in front of me, I stare at my finger and try to pull that last piece off. I’m always wiping dead pieces of skin off my clothes. Too often, I lay on my bed and zone into my picking. By the time I’m done, hours have been wasted and I’m left to wash the blood off my hands simultaneously feeling a sense of accomplishment and shame. I let this obsession grow out of control. I had convinced myself that this is natural and acceptable behavior for me. But I’m not okay with hurting myself anymore. Every day, I waste so much time just hurting myself. My fingers are sensitive and in pain half the time. I hide my hands from the people I meet, and panic when I have to expose my scars to others. I fear their judgement and uncomfortable questions. Picking is a major disruption in my life. I deal with the painful, self-inflicted effects every day. This is a consistent problem that I’ve tried to ignore for years, but pushing away the issue will not solve anything. In fact, the longer I pretend everything’s okay, the worse my condition will get. I’ve already caused myself so much permanent damage. The obvious, discolored scars and scabs are what made me recognize the severity of my problem. I need to quit before the worst happens; Before I get an infection and don’t have a thumb to pick anymore. I put this off
for too long. It’s time for me to start healing instead of hurting myself."-@evebhall, Eve Hall, 16, West Virginia

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I want to see me the way my kids do. And I want to be a healthy mom for them and show them healthy ways of dealing with anxiety. I started picking when I was 5, at least that is the first memory I have of picking. I used to, and still kind of do, have keratosis pilaris on my arms and picking at those bumps was where my picking journey started. I come from a family of pickers so I wondered for a long time if it was a learned thing or genetic. But I picked until I was 11 when someone pointed out in disgust what had happened to my arms. I never noticed the red angry swelling after my picking sessions until that moment, and I don’t think I picked for about a year after that because of the shame I felt. But I started middle school and puberty was not my friend and I went from just picking my arms to picking my acne wherever it showed up. My picking was the worst in high school and college. I would have picking sessions in the mirror after everyone went to bed and I wouldn’t ‘come out of it’ until I realized my back or my elbows hurt, and most nights my sessions would last 1-2 hours without me realizing it and I wouldn’t see the damage I had done until I pulled away. I would be red and puffy and bleeding and unrecognizable, which would send me into a shame spiral that led me to continue picking my arms in bed for sometimes hours to calm my anxiety about my face. I would always have blood stains on all my shirts from my back and apart from my sessions I would scan my skin constantly while in class or elsewhere, continuing to pick mindlessly and endlessly. I passed it off as just a bad habit, and I was still young and my skin bounced back quickly, so I never really thought about the impact it had on my life at the time.
It wasn’t until my mid twenties that I realized I had a problem. My skin wasn’t bouncing back, I was getting infections, and I wanted to be able to go without makeup without shame, but makeup made it worse. I started researching skin picking and found the term dermatillomania for the first time and just learning that it was an actual disease and not just this bad habit to be ashamed of changed my life. I have still struggled a lot since then but I have since learned strategies to keep my self from picking that have nearly ended my ‘zoning out’ two hour picking sessions. I’ve used fidget toys, I’ve covered the bottom half of mirrors so that if I lean in I can’t see my self and thus can’t pick, I’ve watched picking videos to replace picking sessions. But even now skin picking is the only way I know how to process information. My mind becomes clear and focused when I am picking and I can straighten out my feelings about things, so it is a daily struggle. It’s difficult to understand when the thing that helps you with anxiety, also causes it and is caused by it. Skin picking is multifaceted, it’s an anxiety processing thing, it is also a compulsive thing. If I see/feel a bump or imperfection I can’t stop thinking about it and touching it until my brain is convinced that I have removed everything “bad” from inside it. Once I see it it’s like I can feel it’s presence in my mind until I take care of it. And that’s why I think I am still dealing with this and fear often that I will be struggling with this for the rest of my life and even worse pass it on to my daughters.
But I am hoping that facing it and connecting with others who deal with it and continuing with therapy will help me get to a place of acceptance when I don’t need it anymore."-Allison, 35, Ohio

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I deserve to take care of myself, whether it is 'ugly' or 'beautiful'. 'That's disgusting. You're going to be covered in ugly scars when you're older!' I would be told, aged 11. Other kids at school had begun calling me 'Spotty'. Yet, somehow, I just could not stop. Did I have no self control? Did I want to bleed and grow scars across my face and chest from constant picking?
My wounds were so raw that they became infected and makeup could do nothing to help. Still, it was a huge relief to join a rock band which embraces full face paint!
It took until I was 19 that I learned about Dermatillomania, an obsessive-compulsive skin picking disorder. This allowed me to discover the 'Picking Me Foundation' which offers support and motivation, no more shame. These days, picking is at an all time low and, WOW, it feels good!"-@nicolelastauskas, Nicole, 20, UK

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I am strong and I want to be confident in the skin I’m in! I want to be able to wear no makeup every day and be comfortable being naked. I’ve been picking for many years now, I pick to escape.. escape from stress, from boredom, from anxiety. I pull my hairs out, I pick every bump, every imperfection, I squeeze every pore. It’s so hard to overcome but I’m determined to get over it now I know I’m not alone and I’m getting help. I carried so much shame and guilt about it but now it’s time to change!"
-Kim Wilson, 25, Sydney, Australia

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I’m tired of letting my skin control my life. My name is Yisan and I have dermatillomania. I’m 17 years old and I love in the Netherlands. I am grateful for this platform because none of my friends or the people around me understand how I feel. Skin picking had been a part of my daily life since I was around 13. It started when I got my first pimples. My skin picking usually occurs when I have built up stress or anxiety and see a spot on my face. I have acne prone skin and recently quit birth control. This caused for my acne to come back way worse than I’ve ever had. My hormone levels are a mess and I’m stuck at home all the time. I’ve tried various methods from writing on my mirrors to doing everything in the dark, but at one point I just ignore those things and start picking. When I’ve finished I’m left with regret and scars and I feel so weak because I gave in to the urge. I cover up my scars only to now worry about the way my skin looks with concealer on it. I don’t like it when people look me in the eye because I’m afraid they’ll see through those layers and judge me. I want to stop picking because I want to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I want to regain my confidence and not have to worry about my skin all the time. I just want to love everything about myself and be able to leave those little blackheads or bumps alone. I will grow and hopefully I’ll be able to have clear skin again. I wish everyone on the same journey a lot of luck and love."
-@yisanvancreij, Yisan Van Creij, 17, Netherlands

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I'm DONE with the anxiety, embarrassment, panic, guilt, and exhaustion of picking my skin. I’ve picked my skin since I was legitimately a toddler. It went from mosquito bites, to acne, to anything I could find on my skin to pick at. Around 8th grade my picking became its worst and continued getting worse very fast. I’ve gotten multiple infections and don’t even get me started with trying to cover it up. When you have literal holes in your face, it’s NOT easy to cover up. I remember spending hours upon hours crying, trying to cover everything on my face that I messed up. overtime and through counseling I’ve realized I need to stop putting so much guilt on myself and realize that this is a mental illness I am suffering through. Some things that have greatly helped my picking are hydrocolloid pimple patches and bandages, covering wounds with vaseline or aquaphor, getting acrylic nails, icing wounds/picked skin and applying light pressure to pimples/things I want to pick at, in order to trick my brain that the blemish is flush with my skin so I don’t pick it. I still struggle everyday with picking but I also am moving in the right direction and I believe you can too. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through but knowing I’m not alone helps so much. Sending love to you all."
-Anonymous

"I'm #PickingMe over Skin Picking because I have worth, My name is Heidi and I’ve had dermatillomania since I was 2 years old. My parents never thought anything of it, but when they found out my skin bled as I did it, they got concerned. People always just say stop touching it or it’s not that hard to stop, but it makes me feel more alone. I’ve had dermatillomania for over 10 years and it makes me so uncomfortable. That’s my story, have a good day."
-@slaps.on.strings, Heidi S., 15, Phoenix